Stuttering

There are a good deal many people reading this who know me in real life and quite a few who don’t. For those who haven’t met me personally, one thing you should know about me is that I have a stutter. Many people who know me have probably wondered about my stutter but probably were too embarrassed to ask about it. I am going to clarify a few things on the topic.

It is important to know that I was not born with a stutter. I began stuttering as I entered Kindergarten. It was the result of a rare side-effect of the immunization process that many children go through when starting school. This blog does not deal with political issues and and the topic of vaccinating children is a hot button issue, and I have friends on both sides of the issue. I am in the middle regarding this topic. There are serious side effects though rare that can affect a child that is immunized, it is important for a parent to do the proper research and assess the risks vs benefits of the process. In my case, I got the short stick. Especially for those travelling to remote areas in the world, it definitely is probably worth the risk.For those who think it’s merely a coincidence that I started stuttering when I did, do a search online and you can find dozens upon dozens examples of people just like me that began stuttering under the same exact circumstances.

My stutter has been a point of major frustration and pain in my life. It has cost me jobs, friends, romantic relationships, and many other opportunities. It made me the subject of teasing and bullying in school and other settings. I’ve noted that people upon meeting me usually treat me like I’m stupid or less competent because of my stutter. This usually changes as people get to know me better, but that doesn’t help in critical first impression settings like job interviews. This is one of the main reasons why I try so hard to show I’m intelligent and come off as a know-it-all because of the way I’m initially perceived. This even trickles into relationships with people I have known for a long time.

There are a number of different kinds or levels of stuttering, I can’t remember all of the technical terms but I have have a less severe form of it than others. Some people stutter on sounds, while others like me stutter on words mostly. An example of this would be “b-b-b-b-ball” vs "ball-ball-ball-ball”. The way that I often describe my stutter is that it feels like there a block or wall in front of my head that sometimes words have a hard time pushing through. I can sometimes tell in advance before I would say something that would cause me to stutter, to avoid this I will switch around the order of the words in a sentence (which makes me sound like Yoda), or I will substitute a word that I know I won’t stutter with, or I will say what I’m trying to say in a roundabout way or add awkward filler words. This adds to the problem of people not taking me seriously and me not sounding sure and confident in myself, which adds to missed opportunities.

My stutter is one of the factors that led to me becoming a writer. When I write I don’t stutter and I can convey what I want without people judging me and thinking I am less intelligent. A different times I’ve thought about how cool it would be to have a podcast or YouTube channel but I probably won’t with the way my stutter is. A part of me has wanted to become a public figure so I can do more good and promote important issues and causes but the idea of doing interviews on TV or radio is terrifying for me.

This blog is supposed to focus on my spiritual journey so how does stuttering tie in with all of that? There has been a couple of scriptural figures that I have studied and looked to because of this issue. Moses was said to be slow of speech and so Aaron became his spokesman. This has given me a little hope that I can still do good things even if I have a hard time speaking. Enoch in the Restoration scripture (the Inspired Version of the Bible) mentions being slow of speech as well. I have studied his life quite considerably as well. Finally I have thought often on Paul and he talks about in 2 Corinthians 12:7 about having a thorn in his flesh. Biblical scholars have debated what he means here, but regardless my stutter is something that I consider my personal thorn in my flesh.

I have to say that my stutter has made it a challenge in practicing my religion at times. My faith tradition puts a strong emphasis in ordinances, or religious rites. Nearly all of these rites need to be said clearly with the correct wording. Having a stutter makes this a challenge with participating in blessing the sacrament (or communion) or going to LDS temples which has very strict ways of doing things. Stuttering adds a level of anxiety to these religious performances that someone who has no speech impediment cannot understand.

I have hopes that someday I will overcome my stutter. Some individuals have gone into acting to help with stuttering (actors use a different part of their brain when performing). Hypnotherapy has been used quite successfully to overcome stuttering as well. When I have the money to spare I will look into some of these options. For the time being however it is a part of me and is something that God uses to help me be humble. I often think about a passage in the Book of Mormon found in Ether 12:27 (Ether 5:28 AV) that states, “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

I have been grateful for the people that have been patient with me in the times that my stutter is really bad. Those people who didn't make me feel like I was broken. I am especially grateful for Emily for loving me in spite of my stutter (she evens claims it is cute.) She may have experienced my stutter more than any other person and hasn't left out of frustration. I don't know how she does it. Thank you everyone for being so understanding.

This is my hope that perhaps one day that my tongue will be loosed and I will be able to say all of the things that I never did because I was too afraid to because of the awkwardness of my speech. Feel free to comment below, What are some of your great challenges, trials, your “thorns in the flesh”?